As many of you already know, we spent the better part of three days at Children's Hospital with Nicole this past week. It was a very scary few days where my sweet baby girl wore a tiny hospital gown, was covered in cords and monitors, and slept in a hospital crib. Adam and I lost all track of time as we sat by her crib and held her during her many medical procedures. It is so heartbreaking to watch your child hurt and not be able to make the pain go away!
Nicole was a little trooper throughout it all. She patiently endured having blood drawn, shots, EKGs, x-rays, being in isolation, EEGs, tubes up her nose. and all manner of cords attached to monitor her. It brings tears to my eyes to remember how bravely she smiled as she reached her arms up from her hospital crib for Adam or I to pick her up.
Nicole was quickly a favorite patient of all of her doctors and nurses. She greeted each visitor to her room with squeals of excitement and smiles. She also learned two new tricks: waving and clapping! Nicole discovered that if you wave at other people, they smile and wave back. Such a fun game! She also learned how to clap her hands together- again, a trick that makes other people smile and repeat her motion. I'm not sure if it is new skill that thrills her, or the fact that she can make others repeat the same movements!
During one of the first tests she had done at the hospital, the technician offered Nicole a stuffed animal. Nicole examined her options and reached for a miniature bean bag puppy dog with floppy brown ears. She LOVES this puppy! She spent most of the three days with a tiny fist grabbing its' snout or her mouth around a floppy ear. No matter what unpleasant thing those doctors or nurses did, her puppy was there to play with. Watching her enjoy this little toy even in the midst of her pain made me think- No matter what painful experiences life brings, there are always blessings from God to be thankful for. Having a puppy didn't minimize or eradicate the medical severity of her situation. But she was able to appreciate and enjoy her puppy in the midst of her struggle. What an accurate picture of what life in earth looks like! We struggle and hurt, yet we still have blessings from God to be thankful for in the midst of it all.
During that first long, lonely night at the hospital, I rocked Nicole (who was too sick to sleep) and prayed. I kept thinking about how fragile life was and pleading with God to heal my little girl. (And I am so thankful that He did!) Those many hours in the hospital were an opportunity to cling to God in faith and remember that my hope is in who He is, not in my circumstances.
I also left the hospital with a deep appreciation for our many friends. We are overwhelmed by the outpouring of love, support, prayers, phone calls, texts, visits and meals from so many people! We are deeply grateful to be part of such wonderful community.
In conclusion, I can share with you that Nicole is back to her normal self and the virus that attacked her heart and lungs is gone. We're so thankful for God's healing on her tiny body and that we get to have our little princess safely back at home. I've always loved being Nicole's mother, but there is definitely a special sweetness to my role now. I have a new appreciation for her coos and giggles and it delights my heart to see her smile. So grateful for this precious blessing in my life!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Christmas Traditions
This year, Adam and I are faced with a daunting task... building family Christmas traditions! We have to figure out what our Gwaltney Christmases will look like- Adam, Stephanie & Nicole style- for years to come. The pressure of this is immense! What memories do I want to build with my family? What do I want Nicole to remember?
This is the first year since we've been married and living in Washington that we won't be celebrating Christmas day with family. Previous years, we've been blessed with in-laws that lived close. Adam and I have always enjoyed an early morning brunch (just the two of us), exchanged presents, and then driven up to Marysville to spend the rest of the day with our dear family. Sadly, this year our family has moved out of state. (We miss you guys!)
Additionally, it is Nicole's first Christmas! She is six and a half months old and this is the first of many, many holiday seasons our family of three will be spending together. My mother's heart desires for my daughter to enjoy the holiday season every year. I've already discovered there's a very fine line between wanting to give your child everything she could possibly want and yet also teach her that stuff is just that- stuff! Things don't make you happy. Jesus is the one that brings you joy. How should I model that for her?
It's also been a rough few weeks for our family. I've been sick and in pain and that brings it's own set of challenges- low energy, little patience and a distracted mind. It is a struggle to focus on building family memories when there are hard things going on. Yet it is still important for the three of us to have this time together- so how can I work through the pain and feeling sick to love my family well?
What should our Christmas look like? What holiday traditions do we want to have? What do we want to celebrate? How can this time of year bring us closer together as a family and closer to Jesus? Will our Christmas celebration point to Jesus or become an excuse to worship things and selfish attitudes?
Here is our list of new traditions/celebrations so far:
It's certainly not a finished product of Christmas excellence... but it's a start! We're looking forward to building memories together this holiday season. I'm so thankful that God has blessed me with a loving husband and beautiful baby girl. I'm thankful that Jesus was born as a baby in a manger so many years ago- a tangible example of God's love for me. I'm thankful for this holiday season to remember what a great gift Jesus is!
Merry Christmas!
This is the first year since we've been married and living in Washington that we won't be celebrating Christmas day with family. Previous years, we've been blessed with in-laws that lived close. Adam and I have always enjoyed an early morning brunch (just the two of us), exchanged presents, and then driven up to Marysville to spend the rest of the day with our dear family. Sadly, this year our family has moved out of state. (We miss you guys!)
Additionally, it is Nicole's first Christmas! She is six and a half months old and this is the first of many, many holiday seasons our family of three will be spending together. My mother's heart desires for my daughter to enjoy the holiday season every year. I've already discovered there's a very fine line between wanting to give your child everything she could possibly want and yet also teach her that stuff is just that- stuff! Things don't make you happy. Jesus is the one that brings you joy. How should I model that for her?
It's also been a rough few weeks for our family. I've been sick and in pain and that brings it's own set of challenges- low energy, little patience and a distracted mind. It is a struggle to focus on building family memories when there are hard things going on. Yet it is still important for the three of us to have this time together- so how can I work through the pain and feeling sick to love my family well?
What should our Christmas look like? What holiday traditions do we want to have? What do we want to celebrate? How can this time of year bring us closer together as a family and closer to Jesus? Will our Christmas celebration point to Jesus or become an excuse to worship things and selfish attitudes?
Here is our list of new traditions/celebrations so far:
- We decorated! Inspired by a dear friend (who is a decorating genius), we've created our own Winter Wonderland in our home. Complete with a tall tree, lights strung over the room, holiday cookies and breads, stockings hung, and snowflake candles, our house is ready for this special time of year.
- We've been enjoying Pandora's various Christmas music stations. Definitely a great way to keep up the holiday cheer! For the most part, the music has been delightful. Except one night when Alvin & the Chipmunks came on squeaking out "Christmas, Christmas" over the sound system... oh dear goodness... I couldn't get to the computer to change the song quickly enough!
- I'm a big fan of holiday beverages- so we've kept a wide variety on hand! Eggnog (my favorite) and homemade mulled apple cider (Adam's favorite) are two staples. I also enjoyed my yearly eggnog latte... delicious!
- Nicole has a pretty Christmas dress that she will wear for the Christmas Eve service tomorrow. Some friends of ours get their little girl a new dress for every Christmas Eve- what a great idea to make your daughter feel like a princess! She also has new Christmas pajamas to wear that evening. (Thanks, Grandmom!)
- We spent a Saturday in downtown Seattle shopping and enjoying the holiday sights. It's always fun to buy gifts for others and be part of the big city hustle and bustle! And, of course, we had lunch at Specialties finished off by a latte for me and a warm cookie for Adam.
- This year, we sent out Christmas Cards for the first time! I thoroughly enjoyed selecting favorite pictures from the year, ordering cards, and mailing them to friends. What a great opportunity to look back and see how much God has blessed us this year!
- We give to others. Every year since we've been married, Adam and I decide where we should make a monetary donation in December. It's actually alot of fun for us to decide where our money goes! This year, we participated in giving diapers and formula to the Greenwood Food Bank with our community group. Additionally, we've decided to donate to Unearthed (http://www.unearthedpictures.org/), a wonderful group that works to eradicate sexual exploitation world-wide. It's important to serve others year round, yet Christmas time can be a great reminder to be generous!
- We spent a date day in Bellevue- final Christmas shopping at Bellevue Square mall, date night dinner, and then wandering around Garden D'Lights. WOW- very cool place! Flowers, trees, and so much more are made out of Christmas lights. We almost froze to death while walking around, but it was totally worth it!
- Our ideas for Christmas Eve: family coffee date, take Nicole to have a picture with Santa at the Wallingford Center, read the Christmas story from the Bible together (from our Children's Bible this year!), Christmas Eve service, and driving around to look at Christmas lights after it is dark. (Adam and I usually spend at least one night driving around to look at Christmas lights in December- we are looking forward to including Nicole in our tradition this year!)
- Christmas Day- we will enjoy a morning in our pjs opening presents and eating a yummy brunch. This year we will be enjoying Breakfast Casserole (a favorite of mine!) and a fruit salad. Yum! I am beyond excited about giving Nicole her presents!! She's too young to understand what presents are- but she will certainly enjoy the attention and new items to stick in her mouth! :) In the afternoon, we are having a few friends over for a mid-afternoon meal. We're excited to celebrate with others!
It's certainly not a finished product of Christmas excellence... but it's a start! We're looking forward to building memories together this holiday season. I'm so thankful that God has blessed me with a loving husband and beautiful baby girl. I'm thankful that Jesus was born as a baby in a manger so many years ago- a tangible example of God's love for me. I'm thankful for this holiday season to remember what a great gift Jesus is!
Merry Christmas!
Friday, November 19, 2010
giving thanks
As we approach Thanksgiving week, I feel inspired to write down what I've learned about thankfulness this past year. Not in a cheesy "Hey! It's Thanksgiving! Let's be thankful for one day and then go back to real life!" way. But in a "What a great opportunity Thanksgiving is to remember how I should be thankful year round!" way.
For me, part of learning to appreciate the blessings in my life is learning to be thankful. (Again, hence the title of my blog!)
I'll be honest- I have not historically been a thankful person. I would be more aptly characterized as a grumbler than as one who is thankful. I'm usually a pretty sneaky grumbler... I am not likely to vocalize my grumbling to friends who might call me out in my sin. Instead, it is my thought life where this grumbling is loudest. I whine, I complain, I sulk and I regularly tell God in no uncertain terms about what sucks in my life. I rationalize this by thinking "Hey, I'm not hurting anyone! I'm just being honest about what I feel. I'm supposed to be honest with God, right?"
Right! Of course I should be honest with God. But honesty about my pain does not equal grumbling. The two are quite different. There's also the question of what my heart is choosing to dwell on. Do I spend my time and energy focused on what I wish was different? Or do I instead let my heart dwell on God's goodness and His many blessings to me?
Over a year ago, a wise pastor and friend challenged Adam and I to write down a list of all the things in our lives we were thankful for- essentially a list of how God has blessed us. At the time, I was in a tough season where my pain seemed more consuming than anything else. I entered into a brief argument about how I really didn't have much to be thankful for. "God brought you here and rescued you from some really hard experiences. You're alive, you have a husband who loves you, and you have a church family. I'm guessing you could add to that list." he challenged. I reluctantly began to write down my list. What I expected to be a brief exercise turned into a several month long process of adding things to my list. I still have this list in my journal and add to it regularly. Surprisingly, when I stopped writing that first day, I felt better. My pain wasn't any less; I was still in the midst of the same difficult season. But my heart had been quieted by realizing how many good things God had done and was doing in my life.
In a follow-up conversation with the same friend, he challenged me to analyze where my heart was dwelling. Yes, I was struggling with some painful wounds. God doesn't ignore my pain or require me to forget what has happened to me. But why was I allowing my heart to dwell in the pain and focus on my despair? Isn't what God has done for me more important? Isn't it a far greater treasure to know who God is? Wrestling with this challenge, I realized that having my heart dwell in my pain was making my misery seem larger than God. Instead, my heart should dwell in the truth of who God is, because that is where my hope is found! Looking at all of the blessings He has given me and being thankful for them helps keep my heart in this new place.
I've found two verses that have changed my thinking on thankfulness.
The first is Psalm 107:1. "Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever!" Notice what this verse says to give thanks about. I am called to thankfulness because of who God is. His goodness and His steadfast love for me are constant and the reasons I have to hope. A dear friend of mine pointed out this verse to me. I can still see her waving her arms emphatically in the air and declaring "God's steadfast love is what I am thankful for, even when I am in intense pain. What do I have to grumble about when I see how much He loves me?"
The second verse is 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18. "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." This is a verse I initially had a hard time buying into. Give thanks in all circumstances? Really? Even the circumstances that leave me crying and in intense pain? Yes. Even in those circumstances. You see, my thankfulness isn't dictated by my circumstances or reliant on my happiness in that moment. I am thankful because of who God is. And out of that heart flows the ability to give thanks to Him even in the midst of hard times.
Today, I am thankful for a God who never leaves or loses patience with me even when I sulk and panic. I am thankful for a thoughtful husband who got up early this morning to sit on the beach with me before work, even though he wasn't feeling well. I am thankful for a daughter who is learning to grab my earrings and giggles when I remove them from her grasp.
I have so much to be thankful for. We all do! We have a God who is good and who loves us. Our hope is in Him, not our circumstances.
What are you thankful for?
For me, part of learning to appreciate the blessings in my life is learning to be thankful. (Again, hence the title of my blog!)
I'll be honest- I have not historically been a thankful person. I would be more aptly characterized as a grumbler than as one who is thankful. I'm usually a pretty sneaky grumbler... I am not likely to vocalize my grumbling to friends who might call me out in my sin. Instead, it is my thought life where this grumbling is loudest. I whine, I complain, I sulk and I regularly tell God in no uncertain terms about what sucks in my life. I rationalize this by thinking "Hey, I'm not hurting anyone! I'm just being honest about what I feel. I'm supposed to be honest with God, right?"
Right! Of course I should be honest with God. But honesty about my pain does not equal grumbling. The two are quite different. There's also the question of what my heart is choosing to dwell on. Do I spend my time and energy focused on what I wish was different? Or do I instead let my heart dwell on God's goodness and His many blessings to me?
Over a year ago, a wise pastor and friend challenged Adam and I to write down a list of all the things in our lives we were thankful for- essentially a list of how God has blessed us. At the time, I was in a tough season where my pain seemed more consuming than anything else. I entered into a brief argument about how I really didn't have much to be thankful for. "God brought you here and rescued you from some really hard experiences. You're alive, you have a husband who loves you, and you have a church family. I'm guessing you could add to that list." he challenged. I reluctantly began to write down my list. What I expected to be a brief exercise turned into a several month long process of adding things to my list. I still have this list in my journal and add to it regularly. Surprisingly, when I stopped writing that first day, I felt better. My pain wasn't any less; I was still in the midst of the same difficult season. But my heart had been quieted by realizing how many good things God had done and was doing in my life.
In a follow-up conversation with the same friend, he challenged me to analyze where my heart was dwelling. Yes, I was struggling with some painful wounds. God doesn't ignore my pain or require me to forget what has happened to me. But why was I allowing my heart to dwell in the pain and focus on my despair? Isn't what God has done for me more important? Isn't it a far greater treasure to know who God is? Wrestling with this challenge, I realized that having my heart dwell in my pain was making my misery seem larger than God. Instead, my heart should dwell in the truth of who God is, because that is where my hope is found! Looking at all of the blessings He has given me and being thankful for them helps keep my heart in this new place.
I've found two verses that have changed my thinking on thankfulness.
The first is Psalm 107:1. "Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever!" Notice what this verse says to give thanks about. I am called to thankfulness because of who God is. His goodness and His steadfast love for me are constant and the reasons I have to hope. A dear friend of mine pointed out this verse to me. I can still see her waving her arms emphatically in the air and declaring "God's steadfast love is what I am thankful for, even when I am in intense pain. What do I have to grumble about when I see how much He loves me?"
The second verse is 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18. "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." This is a verse I initially had a hard time buying into. Give thanks in all circumstances? Really? Even the circumstances that leave me crying and in intense pain? Yes. Even in those circumstances. You see, my thankfulness isn't dictated by my circumstances or reliant on my happiness in that moment. I am thankful because of who God is. And out of that heart flows the ability to give thanks to Him even in the midst of hard times.
Today, I am thankful for a God who never leaves or loses patience with me even when I sulk and panic. I am thankful for a thoughtful husband who got up early this morning to sit on the beach with me before work, even though he wasn't feeling well. I am thankful for a daughter who is learning to grab my earrings and giggles when I remove them from her grasp.
I have so much to be thankful for. We all do! We have a God who is good and who loves us. Our hope is in Him, not our circumstances.
What are you thankful for?
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
learning to appreciate every moment
Have you ever lived in the moment? I mean really lived in the moment. Have you been completely present in what is happening right now without worrying about the future or reliving the past?
I realize that I have rarely (if ever!) lived in the moment.
I find myself with a constant list collecting in my head of everything I need to do in an hour or tomorrow. I tend to daydream about my wishes and hopes for the future. I also have an ever present ulcer fueled by the "what ifs" in my life... What if I make a fool of myself? What if I fail as a mother or wife? What if Nicole gets really sick? I realize these questions seem silly typed out. But a surprisingly large portion of my thought life is spend worrying.
I do NOT think it is wrong to be wise and plan for the future. Please hear me say that! But for persistent worriers and over-thinkers like myself, the challenge is to focus on today. It is easy to prudently plan for the future at the expense of stopping to "smell the roses."
I also frequently get trapped in yesterday. I replay good and bad moments over and over in my mind. "Oh, I wish I had said this instead!" I fret. I am consumed by the pain of an experience I've had. I remember moments of approval from others and define my worth through them. I remember moments of pain and am easily overwhelmed by my grief.
What I am not saying is to ignore the past. No good comes from "white-knuckling" through painful experiences and pretending they didn't exist. It is equally important to remember how God has blessed me in the past and marvel about where He has brought me.
What I find myself convicted of is how often I dwell on the past and the future and how rarely I focus on today. By doing this, I miss out on what God is doing presently in my life. I am consumed by my past pain or my worrying about tomorrow instead of being thankful for the gifts He has given me in my life. I'm not entitled to a happy life or a life free of pain. Every blessing in my life is a precious gift.
Since becoming a mother 5 months ago, I've been challenged to enjoy today without being trapped by the future or the past. I remember lying in the hospital bed and slowly recovering from surgery with Nicole a few hours old. My doctor broke the news that, due to medical complications from her birth, it is very unlikely I will have another child. I couldn't quite wrap my mind around what the doctor was saying. It seemed surreal.
A few hours later, I was holding Nicole and looking at her precious little face. It hit me that there is no "do-over" for parenting her. I have today and that's all. However many days God has numbered for us to be on earth together, that's what I have to love her and mother her. Realizing that there will probably be no second time of snuggling in a hospital bed with my just born baby helped me see the importance of treasuring each moment with her. Every baby smile and giggle is a gift. Waking up in the middle of the night to soothe her and wipe her tears away is an honor. It is foolish to waste my days worrying about how I will fail Nicole as a mother. Instead, I am called to love Christ and learn how to love my daughter.
It took having a baby and being told she's probably my only biological child to realize how little I live in today. It would be easy as a mother to brush past precious moments with my daughter by thinking "I'll enjoy that with my next baby. Today, I need to worry about ___." God's been showing me how often I waste time and energy when I don't trust Him with my past and future. It is a waste of the blessings He has given me to focus solely on the "what ifs" and my pain.
Living in the moment is trusting God with my future and past.
Matthew 6: 25-34
I realize that I have rarely (if ever!) lived in the moment.
I find myself with a constant list collecting in my head of everything I need to do in an hour or tomorrow. I tend to daydream about my wishes and hopes for the future. I also have an ever present ulcer fueled by the "what ifs" in my life... What if I make a fool of myself? What if I fail as a mother or wife? What if Nicole gets really sick? I realize these questions seem silly typed out. But a surprisingly large portion of my thought life is spend worrying.
I do NOT think it is wrong to be wise and plan for the future. Please hear me say that! But for persistent worriers and over-thinkers like myself, the challenge is to focus on today. It is easy to prudently plan for the future at the expense of stopping to "smell the roses."
I also frequently get trapped in yesterday. I replay good and bad moments over and over in my mind. "Oh, I wish I had said this instead!" I fret. I am consumed by the pain of an experience I've had. I remember moments of approval from others and define my worth through them. I remember moments of pain and am easily overwhelmed by my grief.
What I am not saying is to ignore the past. No good comes from "white-knuckling" through painful experiences and pretending they didn't exist. It is equally important to remember how God has blessed me in the past and marvel about where He has brought me.
What I find myself convicted of is how often I dwell on the past and the future and how rarely I focus on today. By doing this, I miss out on what God is doing presently in my life. I am consumed by my past pain or my worrying about tomorrow instead of being thankful for the gifts He has given me in my life. I'm not entitled to a happy life or a life free of pain. Every blessing in my life is a precious gift.
Since becoming a mother 5 months ago, I've been challenged to enjoy today without being trapped by the future or the past. I remember lying in the hospital bed and slowly recovering from surgery with Nicole a few hours old. My doctor broke the news that, due to medical complications from her birth, it is very unlikely I will have another child. I couldn't quite wrap my mind around what the doctor was saying. It seemed surreal.
A few hours later, I was holding Nicole and looking at her precious little face. It hit me that there is no "do-over" for parenting her. I have today and that's all. However many days God has numbered for us to be on earth together, that's what I have to love her and mother her. Realizing that there will probably be no second time of snuggling in a hospital bed with my just born baby helped me see the importance of treasuring each moment with her. Every baby smile and giggle is a gift. Waking up in the middle of the night to soothe her and wipe her tears away is an honor. It is foolish to waste my days worrying about how I will fail Nicole as a mother. Instead, I am called to love Christ and learn how to love my daughter.
It took having a baby and being told she's probably my only biological child to realize how little I live in today. It would be easy as a mother to brush past precious moments with my daughter by thinking "I'll enjoy that with my next baby. Today, I need to worry about ___." God's been showing me how often I waste time and energy when I don't trust Him with my past and future. It is a waste of the blessings He has given me to focus solely on the "what ifs" and my pain.
Living in the moment is trusting God with my future and past.
Matthew 6: 25-34
25 "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 28And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
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