learning to appreciate every moment

Have you ever lived in the moment? I mean really lived in the moment. Have you been completely present in what is happening right now without worrying about the future or reliving the past?

I realize that I have rarely (if ever!) lived in the moment.

I find myself with a constant list collecting in my head of everything I need to do in an hour or tomorrow. I tend to daydream about my wishes and hopes for the future. I also have an ever present ulcer fueled by the "what ifs" in my life... What if I make a fool of myself? What if I fail as a mother or wife? What if Nicole gets really sick? I realize these questions seem silly typed out. But a surprisingly large portion of my thought life is spend worrying.

I do NOT think it is wrong to be wise and plan for the future. Please hear me say that! But for persistent worriers and over-thinkers like myself, the challenge is to focus on today. It is easy to prudently plan for the future at the expense of stopping to "smell the roses."

I also frequently get trapped in yesterday. I replay good and bad moments over and over in my mind. "Oh, I wish I had said this instead!" I fret. I am consumed by the pain of an experience I've had. I remember moments of approval from others and define my worth through them. I remember moments of pain and am easily overwhelmed by my grief.

What I am not saying is to ignore the past. No good comes from "white-knuckling" through painful experiences and pretending they didn't exist. It is equally important to remember how God has blessed me in the past and marvel about where He has brought me.

What I find myself convicted of is how often I dwell on the past and the future and how rarely I focus on today. By doing this, I miss out on what God is doing presently in my life. I am consumed by my past pain or my worrying about tomorrow instead of being thankful for the gifts He has given me in my life. I'm not entitled to a happy life or a life free of pain. Every blessing in my life is a precious gift.

Since becoming a mother 5 months ago, I've been challenged to enjoy today without being trapped by the future or the past. I remember lying in the hospital bed and slowly recovering from surgery with Nicole a few hours old. My doctor broke the news that, due to medical complications from her birth, it is very unlikely I will have another child. I couldn't quite wrap my mind around what the doctor was saying. It seemed surreal.

A few hours later, I was holding Nicole and looking at her precious little face. It hit me that there is no "do-over" for parenting her. I have today and that's all. However many days God has numbered for us to be on earth together, that's what I have to love her and mother her. Realizing that there will probably be no second time of snuggling in a hospital bed with my just born baby helped me see the importance of treasuring each moment with her. Every baby smile and giggle is a gift. Waking up in the middle of the night to soothe her and wipe her tears away is an honor. It is foolish to waste my days worrying about how I will fail Nicole as a mother. Instead, I am called to love Christ and learn how to love my daughter.

It took having a baby and being told she's probably my only biological child to realize how little I live in today. It would be easy as a mother to brush past precious moments with my daughter by thinking "I'll enjoy that with my next baby. Today, I need to worry about ___." God's been showing me how often I waste time and energy when I don't trust Him with my past and future. It is a waste of the blessings He has given me to focus solely on the "what ifs" and my pain.

Living in the moment is trusting God with my future and past.

Matthew 6: 25-34

²⁵ "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? ²⁸And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, ²⁹yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ³⁰But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. ³³But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. ³⁴ "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.